Saturday, 3 January 2015

Anxiety

Anxiety 

I have anxiety and a lot of people said they "wouldn't of thought it" because I can act confident.
Anxiety isn't all about being shy and timid, it can also be someone who is outgoing and loud. Everyone gets anxious but having anxiety is a bit more than that, I think.
I'm not really sure what it means but I know from my experiences with anxiety that it can mean different things to different people. My anxiety gets in the way in day to day life, for example, I get anxious when I have to press the button on the bus because I feel as if the people that don't know me will judge me, about where I am getting off and how I get off the bus. What if I fall? Sometimes I won't press the button, I will wait until I get to a stop where someone else gets off, that's one of the reasons why I dislike buses. It doesn't particularly affect my school life apart from when I get asked a question in class, I don't like having to give an answer in case it is wrong and people think I'm stupid, or walking up in front of lots of people like to go to the front of the classroom or in assembly. I feel shaky, sick, sometimes faint and my breathing goes funny, sort of like I'm suffocating or drowning.
Most people don't notice that I have anxiety because I try not to make a big thing about it, not because I am ashamed of it but because I would rather not think about it, I like to get on with it and try to deal with it as it happens. My experience with anxiety may be different from other people's like I have no problem with telling people how it is and talking to new people, it seems to be the smaller things that I struggle with. I could get into an argument with a stranger and not get anxious about that, I can walk past big groups of people on the street without getting anxious but the small things affect me the most.
I get anxious about going to peoples houses that I haven't been to in a while but I have no problem with talking to their parents and siblings, it's the fear of going into their house and doing something wrong... I don't like the idea of people not liking me but when people don't like me, I usually don't mind because they can't make themselves like me and let's face it, I'm not for everyone and that's okay because I don't like everyone that I meet and I won't pretend to like someone if I don't because I don't see the point.
I'm perfectly happy to talk about my anxiety because I'm not ashamed, it's a natural thing that can be dealt with and it's good to talk about it because it helps, it really does.
For example, today I went out for dinner and had to go up to the bar to get myself a drink, I got scared, it wasn't the idea of talking to someone that I didn't know, it was the thought that I could get the order wrong but once I did it, it really wasn't bad and I wondered what I was panicking about.
Before I made the order it made me feel sick thinking about having to go up and order but I don't show it, I've learnt how to keep it in and deal with it internally instead of making a big deal because I feel like for me, that is the best way to deal with it, because that's how I taught myself to do it.
I hate the feeling of anxiety and all the things that I come with it but I deal with it on a regular basis and it is more like a habit now. Some days it doesn't affect me at all, but others, it really does.

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