Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Depression

Depression 

How do you explain depression to someone who has never experienced it? 
I always describe it like you are walking along the beach and the tide is out, you carry on walking towards the sea and you keep walking until your feet are touching the water, you don't think much of it to start with but you keep walking further into the sea, until suddenly, you are completely out of you depth, you are drowning but no one notices, you splash around, trying to get out of the water but you can't get yourself out, you struggle to breath and you just want it to be over. 
I feel like if you find something to relieve the pain (for example, self harm) that feeling is when you get pulled out of the water and you can breath again, it makes you feel okay again, for a little while. Then it happens again. 

Sometimes, you just feel numb and don't feel any emotions. Depression is different for different people, I think. I feel like you don't notice you are depressed to start with, until you are really far in and suddenly it dawns upon you, you feel helpless and scared but at the same time, you don't care, you learn to live with it, at least, that's how I felt. It just seems like a habit now and just something that happens and that it's going to be like this forever, but it won't and talking about it really does help. 

Everything felt wrong, I didn't feel happy or hopeful about anything in my life and I felt as if I was moving in slow motion but everyone else around me was normal, I felt totally alone and I wasn't sure how to handle it, there was something about the emptiness and feeling alone that I weirdly liked at one point. I found myself crying a lot, most of the time it was for no reason and I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to stay in bed all day and I felt like it was so hard to hold a conversation with anyone, I distanced myself from everyone around me, I regret that now but I have built some of those relationships back up, which gave me a confidence boost, knowing that I got them back. I couldn't make any decisions and everyone around me irritated me and made me want to cry, even if I wasn't talking to them. At one point, I remember it felt weird smiling and it hurt, in a way that I can't explain. I was very forgetful and I had a lack of concentration and that still has an influence on me today, I can't remember a lot of the classes that I did in previous school years and because of that I have to catch up on work that has already been done but because I was so distanced and depressed, I have to do. Which isn't my fault. 

I feel like a lot of people experience depression, maybe they don't realize? Or don't want to admit it? 
I am no longer as badly depressed as I was before but I still feel like some days, it has an effect on me and I feel like it is something that I will never completely recover from but I have come a long way and I am very proud of myself, and others who have been through the same, for getting through something as hard as depression. I am also proud of people that have depression and still get up everyday and carry on their life like normal because most days, I couldn't do that. I feel like it takes a lot of courage to get through depression and people don't realize how hard it is for some people, obviously some people don't realize how hard it is, not because they are stronger than others but because they deal with it differently. Everyone handles things differently and that's okay. 
There needs to be more awareness of mental health and people need to talk about it more so that people don't suffer in silence, because that isn't the right way, I am so grateful that I got help with mine and there is someone out there that can help you. 

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